Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Shadow Boxing

So, yesterday was a spectacular day to run in Mississippi. I threw on my gear and took off. The sun was shining so my shadow was very clear. As I looked at the girl in the shadow, I really didn't recognize her. A year ago, that same girl was hiding under her clothes, shuffling her feet and willing herself to just make it a few more feet. But not this girl. She was sporting a great pair of running capris with a well-fitting pullover. Her legs were slimmer, there was a defined waist and she had a stride rather than a shuffle. She LOOKED like a runner. Who was this girl trying to cut in on my run? Who did she think she was?

While I obviously see myself in the mirror daily, I am definitely still adjusting to how much my body has changed over the last year. Despite those changes, the mental battle with "the fat girl in my head" has been - and at times, continues to be - my biggest struggle. She was relentless in her efforts to keep me from even getting started (see previous post for her laundry list of excuses!). And she likes to beat me up and tell me "I can't" even though my body (now!) says I can. When I shop for new clothes, she always makes me start with the bigger size even though more and more, I get to return for the smaller one (Take that, fat girl!). It was months before she stepped aside and let me confidently call myself a "runner" - as if I had to prove to HER that I was by some spectacular feat of distance or speed.

So, why is it that I can't kick her out of my head? Why does she still call my head "Home" even after I've lost weight and completed a half marathon? I guess if I could answer that, I (and millions of other women and girls!) wouldn't be battling her daily. I'd be sitting on "Oprah" or "Dr. Phil" talking about my latest psychological "break through" in self confidence and improved body image. I'd probably be a NY Times bestselling author helping millions defeat their own fat girl/guy who has kept them on the couch and out of the gym for years. Or maybe even selling some great workout program via infomercial...ok, maybe not that one.

But I don't really have the answer. So, instead, I'm here - writing this brief post about my own battle for a few hundred people who may be able to relate in some small (or big!) way. And that is one of several "purposes" for this blog! (NOTE: A more accurate title for my blog might have been "Running with Several Good Intentions" but that's not quite as catchy!). I obviously don't know how to permanently move the fat girl/guy out of your head, but I can tell you there's no better feeling than a good beat down on her/him. And remember...

The only thing worse than never trying.

Finally, my "fat girl" needs a name. I'm now taking suggestions and will let the readers name my "fat girl!" Winning name gets a prize (and trust me, it's a good one!)!

Rules (Hey, I'm a mom and a teacher - have to have rules!):
  1. You can submit as many names as you'd like before January 1, 2011 (noon).
  2. You can submit only name suggestions, however, special consideration will be given to entries with explanations (crazy ex-girlfriend, whacko family member, worst teacher, obnoxious neighbor, annoying co-worker, etc...). 
  3. All submissions will be used in a blogpost announcing the winning "fat girl" name on New Year's Day!
  4. Prize will be mailed to individual with the winning submission Monday, January 3. 
So, now I'm going to throw on my gear and go another round with my fat girl. Regardless of what I call her, she's going down, folks! KO, baby!


  1. As a child we always called large woman Bertha or Bertha Big Butt or Big Butt Bertha! Hope you don't have any Bertha's reading your blog. Ha Ha!

  2. Other entries submitted via Twitter/text:

    Bertha Bell


    And my husband's = (Fatty) Mattie

  3. Lulu!

    Explanation -- my favorite character on Hee Haw is Lulu and she had a sense of humor about life (just like your fat girl name) and made the lifestyle change by relying on our Heavenly Father.

    Her Story:

  4. ive been know to refer to myself as "fatty boombalatty" on the days im not feeling like a million.

    but you could always shorten to phatty...

    with a "ph" of course ;)

  5. Mardi
    It is the French word for fat. The French know how to stay slim, but poor Mardi has not. The name Mardi itself is not an ugly name. you don't want Mardi to rule your life, but she is still a part of you but in a positive way. You would not be where you are today if it were not for her. SO...I think Mardi needs to stay in check, she has driven you to what you have accomplished!! Congratulations! Karyn