Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Thankful I'm a Failure

I know it's the holiday season but I'll be honest, I'm just not feeling it (yet).

Bah humbug, anyone?

My life seems a little too chaotic at the moment to get into the holiday spirit. 

My house is a wreck. I'm yelling at my kids...because my house is wreck and if I step on one more Hot Wheel or Lego block, I may blow a gasket. 

My sweet Elbie rocking that jacket…and nothing else.
It seems my conversations with my husband lately are all logistical. "Who has the kids? Did you pay the rent? Will you take this to the Post Office?" And date night with real conversation - um, what's that?

I'm leaving for a 7-day mission trip in 9 days and haven't thought one bit about packing. Who needs clothes? I may embrace the way of the Haitian children on this trip…ok, maybe not.

For some reason, I CANNOT get to work on time lately and I'm up to my ears in half-finished "To Do" lists…for all three of the jobs I'm currently juggling. 

I look at my current state and feel like such a FAILURE as a wife, a mom, a boss, an employee, a family member and a friend. 

But I'm ok with failure. Really, I am. 

Because God is in the failures. The doubts. The insecurities. The overwhelmingness of life. He's there in the messy relationships. He's there in the difficult days when nothing seems to go right. And the pain of stepping on a Hot Wheel in the middle of the night? Yep, He's there, too.

Last night, I finally had all my email inboxes cleared out, all my Noonday Collection orders entered, had sorted through the urgent mail and I was just about spent from the day. But I reached over and grabbed my daily devotion book and Bible. I am so glad I did; this was the little gem God had for me in the exhaustion... 

"When I'm sinking in thoughts of inadequacy...I remember that my ability is not based on what I can do. My ability and strength come from the One who can do all things." 

While the reminder didn't change the fact that my house is still a wreck or that I was still late for work this morning, it did remind me that He's there with me in the mess of my house and sitting beside me as the officer walked slowly to my car (Sorry, Jeff!). It reminded me that I can have peace with my failures and don't have to put on like my life is perfect and all neatly put together. It's not and never will be. And if it were, I might not lean on Him every minute of every day...

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
 Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 
so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

Lord, draw me close and let me rest in knowing the pain in my foot will subside and it's really not a big deal if I forget something on this trip. Draw me close and let me know that my failures are just more opportunities to let YOUR light shine and Your power rest in me. Draw me close and teach me to love the "perfect failure" You've created to walk in humility and fellowship with You each day…

So, bring on the minefield of Legos and the frantic packing hours before a flight…I'm ready. 

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